Once Infidelity is Out in the Open
Once you have proof of the affair or your spouse or partner has admitted to the infidelity, you need to make some big decisions, but understand, because of how cheating spouses act and how they program themselves to lie, you may need to literally show him or her proof before they will break down and admit what they have done. Get proof before you confront them. Do you want to stay with this person? Are you willing to try and accept what has happened and move forward with your spouse with some peace of mind and some sense of security in your relationship? If so, please know that it can work! Reconciliation is going to take time, patience and a great deal of help from your unfaithful spouse or partner.
You need to get answers to all of your questions. Ask him or her whatever you want. Don’t hold back and don’t settle for half answers. The unfaithful spouse owes you answers and honesty. You also need to set the conditions upon which he or she can stay with you. Who they hang out with, where they go and what they do is now up to you. Do not be afraid to demand this from them. They should know how badly they screwed up and that a great deal is required of them to prove that they love you and want to be with you. Make sure that you dismiss the idea that by being demanding, he or she will be driven off and leave you. If they cannot appreciate what they have done and how much it has affected you and your ability to trust, then they are not worth your time. You also need to allow him or her to access you and be close to you again as you heal. If you refuse to talk to him or her or refuse to be civil, the process will very likely fail.
Your cheating spouse is the one who has the most to do. He or she caused this to happen. They betrayed you and hurt you and they need to accept responsibility for what they have done. If he or she is willing to do this, they need to be completely honest with you from this moment forward. The other person must go away in EVERY way. No future contact is acceptable. They must also answer all of your questions and prove to you that they want to be with you and you alone. You should be able to see and feel that they know how badly they have hurt you and know that it will take time, possibly years, for you to accept their actions and be able to trust again. Their feeling of shame needs to come second to yours. If they do not appear to be able to get away from the affair, you may be facing someone who is addicted to this behavior.
The next logical step is to get some professional help. In many case, your unfaithful spouse is in a state of semi-addiction. He or she is can be compared to a gambling addict. They know that it is wrong, they do not want to leverage the house, the car, the kids financial future but they cannot help themselves and they go to the casino again and again. That may be who you are dealing with and you will need professional help to get them past this and to heal yourself. Counseling can make a big difference, either through a paid professional or your house of worship. We have included a directory for professionals with a web presence to get listed and it is our hope that you will find someone there that can be of assistance. Although there are many books that can help, we have found that as you move forward, your perspective will change and may find that you have more questions than a book can answer. The other concern is that so many other informational sites like this are designed to sell you things, like books.
If your unfaithful spouse is telling you that they “need time to sort things out”, go see a counselor by yourself to help sort out your feelings. The counselor will likely tell you something like this: Your cheating spouse does not need time to sort things out, he or she is trying to figure out who makes him or her feel better, you or the other person. They will spend time with you and time with the other person trying to weigh out, either consciously or unconsciously, which person he gets more love from. Frequently, the cheater will drag out this behavior for as long as he or she can until you or the other person get sick of it and push them away. We will not say that this is a guarantee, but it is very likely to be the way things play out. Prepare yourself.
If it’s not going to work out and you feel that divorce is inevitable, you should consider getting yourself into some type of counseling, particularly if you have children. You have a difficult period in front of you and professional help in dealing with your emotions and preparing for the inevitable problems that will arise will make this period much easier on you. You should also consider contacting an attorney who specializes in family law to help you to control the end of your relationship. This will payoff many times over in terms of making your life easier. Most importantly, you need to get proof of what’s really going on, either on your own or with the help of a professional who can get you the proof independently and discreetly.